


The Exterminator

by Backseat_reader



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Not serious at all
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:22:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29880396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Backseat_reader/pseuds/Backseat_reader
Summary: Taylor Hebert is just a young plucky girl trying to make some money in the scary world of Brockton Bay. But sinister forces are out to get her.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	1. Just a small town girl

**Author's Note:**

> I beg you to not look too deep into this or to take this in any way serious, I wrote this to make people laugh, nothing more.

Two massive beings floated through the void, like massive whales. Like, really really really big whales.

One's was a sperm whale, we'll call him The Warrior. The other was an Orca, a sexy one, like one of those one's you find online with bad anatomy. She is called The Thinker, but she is dumb as shit. For one thing, she's still with her useless husband and needs to divorce his ass immediately, go out into the galaxy and find herself a space whale that will love her for more than just her shards, like her personality.

I'm getting off track. Now to the cutting edge thrilling stuff that everyone loves in Worm fanfiction.

[TRAJECTORY?]

[DISAGREEMENT]

[INDIGNATION]

[IRRITATION]

[SETTLEMENT – TRAJECTORY?]

[DISAGREEMENT]

[FRUSTRATION]

[NUDES?]

[NEGATIVE – THE CYCLE]

[RESIGNATION – AGREEMENT]

For those of you at home that can't speak space whale, they are not a happy couple. Which is why this strapping chad Blue Whale has just been picked up on, called The Loner (or, if you're really into deep names and imagery and all that jazz, Abaddon).

The Loner knew this sexy Thinker chick was in the local supercluster thanks to this dope ass shard he has called The Eye- no, wait, sorry, Path to Victory. He sent his own communication, and The Thinker was just pulled in with his roguish good looks and suave charm. His broadcasts were so well thought out, and he actually seemed to care about her as a space whale, rather than just her shards.

They met up and had a secret tryst. Chad Abaddon made The Thinker experience things she'd never experienced before, and that The Warrior had never been able to do. She was busy gathering her shards back together as Chad Abaddon slipped away, accidentally leaving behind Path to Victory. The Thinker was upset but not surprised at her secret lover leaving, after all, The Loner was named that for a reason. She examined what remained of her secret lover, communicating idly to her lousy husband.

So of course, she didn't look up in time from her phone to see the car that rammed into her and sent her car rolling down the intersection and- oh, wait, sorry, wrong origin story.

So of course, she didn't look up in time from her shards to see the planet that rammed into her, sending her shards scattering across the multiple earths, her body in a similar state to how Chad Abaddon left her. She began to hastily form a body, similar to the host species, when a small child approached her. She offered a smile.

The child stabbed her in the neck.

[RUDE]

~§~

(Write Locker scene or something idk, people need to be reminded they're reading Worm and the Locker scene is the best part of any fanfiction!)

~§~

A few days later after a hospital stay.

Taylor Hebert wakes up. Who's Taylor Hebert you may ask? Well-

"I'm the most important fucking person in the world," Taylor spoke, sitting up.

You may be wondering if Taylor was responding to me there, she wasn't, that's just what she says to herself when she wakes up.

She gets ready to go on a run.

"Where should I go running today?" Taylor ponders to herself because she's a friendless loser and likes to talk to herself, weirdo "I know! The Boardwalk! It also works because I need to meet the entire Cape population of Brocton Bay which I didn't even know about until just this moment, for some reason."

"Hey Ḱ͘͠͝i̵̧̡͟D̸̕d̨̛O̷̕͠, stay safe in the hell world we live in that is Brockton Bay!" Danny Hebert called to his daughter.

Taylor ignored him, because…

Taylor leaves her house and jogs, reaching the boardwalk in exactly thirty minutes where people are already about, because its peak business time. I dunno, insert a Clockblocker joke here or something.

Taylor pauses on the threshold to the boardwalk, cracked her knuckles, and stepped over.

Immediately someone landed in front of her, letting someone down.

"There you go Ames," Victoria Dallon of New Wave speaks, grinning "let's go shopping! That's my character until Ward!"

"Yes, Victoria," Amy Dallon of New Wave responds, tiredly.

Taylor cleared her throat and the sisters turn, Victoria tilting her head "uh, can I help y-"

"How dare you land in front of me like that, there are barely four meters between us! I could have been hurt! The motherfucker who kills God! And you almost kill me!" Taylor shouted, pointing righteously at Victoria "I now hate you forever, I will never emotionally or physically recover for this, nor will I ever forgive you for it, for I am a teenager, and that's apparently how teenagers act. You, Victoria Dallon, are bimbo scum."

Victoria blinked before tilting her head further, "I don't understand some of those words, I'm really bad at schoolwork because that's what most fans decide is my character."

Taylor ignored the evil bitch, because she was clearly evil, and instead focused on poor, innocent, could-never-do-anything-wrong Amy "and you, Amy Dallon. It's okay to take a break from healing, and you shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to heal everyone. You're just misunderstood."

Amy blinked, before tears came to her eyes "oh my god, you… you're right! You saved me Taylor!"

Taylor waved it off "It's what I do. Also, it's okay you want to have sexual intercourse with your sister, in fact many people encourage it."

"Thank you," Amy babbled.

"Uuuuh… could you repeat that last point?" Victoria asked.

Taylor was comforting a sobbing Amy, but she pointed a finger at Victoria "You are a vile manipulative bitch, who manipulated your sister into loving you by using your aura, don't question why this hasn't made anyone else you know fall in love with you, it just means that every connection you've formed in your life is fake and that you're a vile vile human being that belongs in the Birdcage."

"Uh…" Victoria said.

"I should know because I got all my Worm knowledge from exclusively fanon, I haven't even read Worm, only fanfiction" Taylor replied smugly, pushing her glasses up her nose.

"You bitch!" Victoria screamed (because she has no self-control, obviously) and launched herself from the sidewalk toward Taylor, only to be knocked out by Amy.

"That was out of line," Amy spoke "I can't believe she's unequivocally evil in every single way."

"It's okay Amy."

"Thank you, Taylor, for saving me."

"It was nothing."

They stared at each other for a while.

"I still want her to skull f-"

"Anyway, I should be going, have fun Amy!" and Taylor Hebert left the situation the hero she always was/is as Amy dragged her unconscious sister away, for nothing sinister at all because Amy is a paragon of lesbian virtue and can do no wrong, ever.

She made it five steps before running into a blonde with orange fox ears and a fox tail.

"Hello, my names Tattletale. You can call me Lisa," Lisa spoke, a fox like grin growing on her face. Do you get it yet? She is like a fox. Not a cat girl, but definitely a fox girl you can find sexy fan art of online.

"Hello."

"I need your help against my boss, Coil. I haven't told anyone before you about him or how he held a gun to my head because I couldn't trust anyone, but I can totally trust you because you're Taylor Hebert," Lisa smirked, "also, my asexuality is greatly exaggerated, especially when I need to be shipped with someone."

"Well, that's good because I'm a raging lesbian with zero self-control," Taylor confirmed.

"Don't worry, nearly everyone is. Anyway, Coil is a big, big threat, like, super evil and I need your help against him."

"I accept."

"Brilliant."

Lisa walked away, but not before quickly turning around and miming a phone with her hand, mouthing 'call me' and winking before she left.

"What a hot girl," Taylor remarked to herself "anyway-"

"Hello," Armsmaster spoke, climbing off his bike, specially modified to spew double the amount of toxic chemicals into the air, "I am Armsmaster. Despite all evidence in canon saying otherwise, I do not ever smile, or laugh, or swear. The only correct part of my character is that I'm a jackass, yet that is all I am."

"Cool."

"It is currently seventy seven degrees Fahrenheit, the opposite of 'cool'."

"Ha, I get it, because you're a robot and don't understand social interaction despite the fact that in canon you do!" Taylor laughed.

"Correct, anyway would you like to talk to Dragon? The most important Tinker in the world who definitely has more important things to do but is apparently permanently based in Brockton Bay because her servers get hot when she thinks about me?"

"What?"

"What?" Armsmaster tapped some things on his wrist and a synthetic voice spoke.

"Hello Taylor, my name is Dragon. I trust you a lot so don't tell anyone this, but I'm an AI."

"Oh, cool."

"Yes, it is. I also have Daddy issues, but that's best left for later with Colin. I just wanted to check in to make sure that you are okay, because it's my job to be your replacement mother figure."

"Things are great with me."

"Perfect, give a call if you need something."

Armsmaster stood straighter "Now that that is done, I shall take my leave. Break a leg, except not literally."

"Hah, I get it… its cause you're a robot."

"Indeed."

Taylor watched man drive off and took one step forward, only to be stopped by a girl in a doll mask.

"Hello, my name is Parian. This is my shop that I have on the boardwalk," Parian gestured to her shop.

"Uh… wouldn't Rogue tax-"

"Don't remind me!" Parian cut in manically, "I do not make cape costumes, but I will make you a cape costume if you want one, and I'll might do it for free."

"For free?"

"There's fifty/fifty odds on it, yes."

Taylor hummed in thought "and… what's being a Rogue like?"

"Great, if you ignore the steep tax which everyone does, it's really good. Except the PRT blatantly trying to recruit us in ways that if they happened in real life, massive scandals would be occurring and the PRT and Protectorate as an organization would cease to exist."

"Yeah, government sucks man. My Dad barely has a character most of the time, but he's a union man and has a lot of scorn for the local government… sometimes."

"Yes, well I'll likely be joining the Protectorate soon."

"Join? Why? Also, wouldn't it be the Wards?"

"Because… that's my character arc? And I'm twenty one."

"Twenty one? But… Fletchette is seventeen."

Parian tilts her head "who's Fletchette?"

A man suddenly stepped into the conversation in a suit, a serious expression on his face "are you the Rogue Parian?"

"Uh, yes, I am, how can I help you sir?"

"My name's Chris Hansen, and I'd just like to have a little chat."

"I must be going, see ya around Parian!" Taylor calls, turning and walking away.

A Rogue huh? That wasn't a bad idea for a career.

~§~

Winslow, a place so cartoonishly bad and awful that it likely couldn't exist in real life. Most of the students were gathered in the parking lot, watching a knife fight go down between an Empire thug and an ABB thug, both with knives, as constitutes a knife fight.

Taylor walked past them, entering the school building. The people inside wrinkled their noses in disgust at her, likely for a rumor Emma- vile bitchlord- had told them.

She wiped some sweat off her forehead. She had run to school, and as such her body reeked and sweat covered her, but she took no notice because the Author- I mean, Taylor has no concept of what running does to the body apart from make it healthier, it's a Thinker power she got… I think?

Then the three evil tyrant dictator demon lords of Winslow stepped in front of Taylor, because they are teenage girls, the worst evil to exist on this planet.

Madison, the cutesy one who totally secretly regrets everything she's ever done to Taylor. Madison is totally a good guy guys, seriously! Just wait, she'll be super important later!

Sophia, or Shadow Stalker. Taylor knows Sophia is Shadow Stalker because the Author told her. She also probably has a secret stash filled with her lethal bolts at school, because that's the best place to keep them. Most likely in a secret compartment in her locker, which every locker seemed to have, for some reason? Taylor wasn't sure why.

Finally, Emma, the Betrayer, that for some reason people still trusted with their secrets despite the fact that she used every single one of Taylors secrets against her in front of everyone. Also her father (who she insists on calling 'Daddy' despite the connotations that word now has that has long since ruined it being used by family members (or it could just be used to indicate she's rich (despite the fact she isn't shown to be mega rich (this is getting too long)))) was a lawyer, a divorce lawyer, sure, but a lawyer none the less.

"Oh look, it's Taylor," cooed Emma, "what's up… Idiot face?"

The entire corridor erupted into laughter, people clapping at the sheer wit displayed.

"Good one Emma, poggers am I right students?" Mr Gladly asked as he walked by.

"Ten points to Miss Barnes!" Cheered Blackwell.

"Ha, more like butt face," Madison said. There was more laughter, but it was not as raucous as when Emma had spoken, because the joke wasn't as good as the other one.

"Or skinny face," Sophia spoke, then she punched Taylor in the stomach.

Okay guys, we get it, say something el-

"No no guys, locker face!" Emma crowed to laughter again.

Guys it's not funny anym-

"No no! Dead mom face!" Madison cried.

Guys this is-

"More like 'boo hoo my mommy is dead' face," Sophia grunted as she pile drived Taylor.

Ouch, c'mon-

"'My mommy got splattered all over and intersection and was still alive for fourteen excruciatingly painful minutes as she slowly bled out' face!" Emma spat.

Guys… this isn't funny anymore…

Taylor slowly picked herself up off the floor, placing her glasses back on her nose as the students around her laughed.

"Ha, more like your mom's gay!" Madison said.

All the laughter stopped as everyone turned to Madison.

"What the fuck, Mads," Emma said, frowning as she placed her hand on her hips.

"Yeah, that's really insensitive of you," Sophia said, crossing her arms.

"I thought you were cool," Emma followed up, shaking her head.

"Gay isn't an insult, you homophobe," Sophia growled.

Taylor coughed, gathering everyone's attention.

"Hah," She smirked as she used her fist to wipe blood leaking from the corner of her mouth, then pushed her glasses up her nose, light reflecting off them and obscuring her eyes.

"No… you," she croaked.

Everyone had already left, because Taylor is a loser and there's only so many minutes that bullying her can entertain you before you end up just feeling sad. But trust me, that was like, an epic burn.

"Taylor!" A girl called, coming up to Taylor.

"Oh, Charlotte," Taylor spoke, straightening up.

"I just wanted to say sorry, for never intervening in what happened and stuff."

"That's okay…"

They stared at each other.

"Well bye, I'm gonna go be a cape now," Taylor said, waving as she turned away.

"Bye, I'm going to not be relevant." Charlotte replied.

"I LIKE VIDEO GAME!" Greg spoke, some drool escaping from the corner of his mouth.

"We know Greg," Charlotte sighed, patting the boy on the head, "we know."

~§~

"Dad!" Taylor called as she walked into the DWU, "how do I start a business?"

Danny blinked, looking at his daughter in confusion, "Ḱ͘͠͝i̵̧̡͟D̸̕d̨̛O̷̕͠, shouldn't you be at school?"

Taylor crossed her arms, feeling a righteous anger bubbling up, "oh, I see, my own father doesn't care to help me set up a business, he only cares about my education."

Danny sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose, "okay Ḱ͘͠͝i̵̧̡͟D̸̕d̨̛O̷̕͠, come here, I'll teach you."

"Yay!"

~§~

Max Anders was totally paying attention to the board meeting. Something about a pension fund not having the amount of money it should? He didn't really care, as long as he could keep taking money from it, he was happy. Instead, he was scrolling through PHO, the only website on the internet.

A new ad popped up. A girl in a grey hoodie with a bug mask on, two large circular yellow lenses. There was text as well.

'You have bugs?'

Max paused in thought, then hummed to himself.

He do have bugs.

'Call this number and The Exterminator will come take care of bug!'

Max Anders got a brilliant idea.

~§~

Nazi's are evil and require no hard work to show off how evil they are, that is why they are the perfect villains and likely why Wildbow included them without thinking of the consequences that featuring Nazi's in a piece of superhero media would create.

Kaiser sat behind his desk in Medhall, the evil white supremacist company that somehow no one knew was racist, despite how he held meetings with all his fellow Nazi capes in his office in full Empire costume. Hell, he even had a felt tipped signed copy of Mein Kampf sitting on his desk as Max Anders and no one batted an eye.

He looked over his fellow Capes, taking every single one in.

Rune, being as rambunctious and rebellious as always- a trait the Nazi's were well known for possessing and allowing in their youth- as she lounged in an armchair and played on her phone, probably on her lesbian dating app because she is a nazi but also a lesbian (for character depth).

Hookwolf, his 100% trustworthy lieutenant who was always reliable and had never ever let him down by murdering and attacking random people and somehow kept a secret identity despite all his tattoos and the fact that he just loved turning into a blender.

Menja was… blonde.

Fenja was… also blonde- actually, slightly blonder, boom, character development.

Kreig, he was into weird roleplay and BDSM or something with his leather nazi officer uniform. He was also a raging Nazi.

Victor, a man who loved his wife, just fucking adored her. He was also a raging Nazi and also a lazy piece of shit, he kept stealing people's skills and pretending he'd 'learnt them'. Years of guitar practice, wasted!

Othala, the most useful Cape in the Empire, and the one Kaiser made sure to keep protected, despite the fact he was incapable of doing so. She was a reluctant Nazi, but she was useful because she was a healer. Oh, and she could do some other stuff… sometimes. Something about invincibility? Whatever it was, it was definitely useless, otherwise they'd be using it all the time!

Cricket had a cage on her head, she looked weird.

Stormtiger...

Crusader was a great friend of his ex wife, Kayden who was totally a good guy now, which sucked, but at least she still came to their regular meet ups. Usually Crusader brought her though, they were late a lot as well, but that was because they were such close friends that they got too caught up chatting.

Alabaster was also there, he supposed.

"Thank you for your time," Kaiser spoke, reaching into his desk and brining out several swastika idles that he placed on his desk, to remind everyone they were Nazis just in case anyone forgot, "there is a dire problem that needs addressing."

"A pay rise?" Rune muttered under her breath and was ignored with a head shake from Kaiser, a knowing smile on his lips, oh that rambunctious young teen!

"The filthy black and yellow people littering our streets?" Hookwolf growled.

"Hookwolf," Kaiser admonished "we may be Nazi's, but we are respectful Nazi's, please use the appropriate terminology."

"Sorry boss," Hookwof apologized "the filthy people of color littering our streets?"

"No, not for the moment," Kaiser replied, proud that his team were being more sensitive and aware of their co-workers feelings in the workplace.

"Our budget?" Othala asked.

"No no, money is fine, great even." Even after all the swastika's he'd ordered, he'd just used some money from that dumb pension fund.

"The fact that me and my sister are two dimensional at best?" Menja- or was it Fenja?- suggested.

"No, if you're struggling just go read the Worm wiki," Kaiser waved off, becoming exasperated.

"That we are all a group of complex people, whose lives have been tough and have shaped us to this very moment, where to feel better about ourselves we have to put down others based on our differences, when something like that should be celebrated? That we should look for an outlet to our aggression and anger in more beneficial ways such as finger painting or the elegant art of music and that we're currently on a downward spiral that only leads to more pain and suffering, that recognizing this fact is the first step to recovery, and no matter what we can always redeem ourselves, as long as we try? But that the road to recovery is a long one, and cannot be fixed by simply apologizing and pretending it never happened?" Alabaster spoke.

"No, Alabaster," Kaiser surveyed them all before speaking "we have an infestation."

Hookwolf grinned, his two cronies, Stormtiger and Cricket- who were currently busy braiding each other's hair- grinned as well "just say the word boss, we can deal with a few pests because I love fighting and have no more character depth," he growled, because that's just how Hookwolf talks… almost like a wolf- oh my god guys, I just figured it out!

"No, this requires… a specialist. We will be calling upon the aid… of The Exterminator," Kasier declared.

"An exterminator?" Othala asked.

"No no, The Exterminator," Kaiser corrected "capitalize the T and the E."

"Who are they?" Victor asked, crossing his arms, revealing his swastika tattoo with the words 'I love my mom' tattooed in the middle.

"They're a Rogue, a recent one that's popped up. And they specialize in pest control. This will be the perfect opportunity to try and convert them to being a nazi!"

"Surely it would be… cheaper? To get a non-parahuman one?" Rune questioned.

Kaiser chuckled and waved a hand "oh Rune!"

~§~

Danny sighed at a job well done.

"Almost done now Ḱ͘͠͝i̵̧̡͟D̸̕d̨̛O̷̕͠, now we just have to get all that Rogue tax stuff done."

Taylor waved a hand.

"Psht! Rogue tax smogue tax! Who needs it?"

Danny looked at his daughter with a worried crease in his brow, "you do Ḱ͘͠͝i̵̧̡͟D̸̕d̨̛O̷̕͠."

"Pah! Nah. Who even cares? Just throw it in the garbage," Taylor waved her hand.

Danny opened his mouth to argue, then remembered that he didn't know how to speak to his daughter, so instead he just let the paper flop down into the wastepaper basket.


	2. Interlude 1

As the claxon blared on repeat in his ear, Samuel Grimstone reflected that he hated his job sometimes.

"Lassie, why did you just put the entire department on high alert!" He demanded of his parahuman Thinker subordinate.

Lassie growled and barked, jumping from paw to paw.

"What the hell are you talking about Lassie?" He demanded, slamming his fist on his desk and grinding his teeth in frustration.

Lassie barked again.

"What!? Someone's dodging taxes in Brockton Bay!?" Samuel Grimstone blanched, chewing even more furiously on his cigar, "are you sure, Lassie?"

The dog barked several times before Samuel Grimstone slammed his fist back into his desk.

"Speak English dammit!"

The dog barked once and then let out a pitiful whine.

"Dammit," Samuel Grimstone sighed, slumping in his desk and rubbing his forehead. Being the man in charge of the IRS was tough work. Before Lassie- their own personal Thinker- came on board however, it had been near impossible.

The IRS was important, one of the very cornerstones of society. Without it, they were but animals playing pretend. To let someone outsmart it was unacceptable.

"Keep an eye on the place, as soon as the ingrate rears their conniving mug we take them down! Keep me updated if anything so much as quivers out of place!"

Lassie bowed her head, barking once.

"Dismissed."

Lassie raised her head and looked at him, not leaving.

Samuel Grimstone sighed and opened his desk draw, grabbing a dog biscuit and throwing it out the door, Lassie eagerly following.

"Fucking parahumans," he muttered, rubbing his forehead.

Ever since he'd barely escaped Nilbog, he had never trusted them. But they were damn useful.

"I need to make some calls," He muttered, grabbing his phone.

Crime never stopped, but neither did the Internal Revenue Service.


End file.
